Microsoft adds new ‘Death Threat’ template and more to Word


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NewsBiscuit.com is reporting that Microsoft will release a new Word template for Death Threats.

‘Grammar Nazis are welcoming the news that death threats issued by actual Nazis will soon be correctly spelt and with fewer redundant words after Microsoft announced a new Death Threat template to the latest version of Microsoft Word.

A spokesman explained; “When a user starts to type a death threat, the software will ask, ‘Are you irrationally angry and want to threaten someone who tells you things that you wish weren’t true?’ They click, tap or headbutt ‘yes’ and the software does the rest; changing to a new ‘cut out newspaper’ font called SHOUT, bright green text colour and turning on caps lock, or on their keyboard, upper-nutcase.”‘  See more at NewsBiscuit.com

Microsoft insiders have told Office-Watch.com that it’s the first in a new line of templates to help extremist groups avoid the shame and embarrassment of poor administration, design and spelling.

A ‘Microsoft’ spokesperson assured us that “ Microsoft doesn’t discriminate or judge our customers on how they use our products.  Our aim is to facilitate the experience of all our users, regardless of their politics, religion or armoury.“

Look out for:

Excel Hit List template

A collaborative worksheet to track targets, assigned operatives, methods of ‘disposal’ and results.

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Adapted from internal documents used by the Russian government.

Ransom Note Template

Too many legitimate ransoms fail because the vital document is either unreadable or unclear.  This template will help police, ‘ransomer’ and ‘ransomee’ complete the transaction with less administrative friction.

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Of course, we’re joking but Office templates have been used for illegal purposes like How to become a doctor with Microsoft Word, How a deleted Word document caught a serial killer

Anyone printing out threats or notes should beware of secret printer tracking dots

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